People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
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Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
everyone has that one prude friend
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift