HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
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How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
-guys who work in a crematorium
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
They tried it standing up, sitting down and bent over the kitchen table but it was no good – they just couldn’t get a decent wi-fi signal.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.