man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
You Might Also Like
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.