People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
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I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I think I’m having a stroke
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street