People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
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[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
They did not think through this water fountain
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.