People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
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Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.