People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
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Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Can. I. Help. You.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.