[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
You Might Also Like
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.