People who put “Retired” on their Linked In acct: I’m not certain you’ve grasped the site.

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ME: Did you hear Jack & Cindy got divorced and he’s dating someone half his age?
HUB: Yep. He’s livin the dream
HUB: His dream not mine


Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.


*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “I think I’m gay”


me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you


I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.


[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-



People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.


the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am