Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
People who put “Retired” on their Linked In acct: I’m not certain you’ve grasped the site.
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ME: Did you hear Jack & Cindy got divorced and he’s dating someone half his age?
HUB: Yep. He’s livin the dream
HUB: His dream not mine
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Lady GaGa is easily the scariest of all the Muppets.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am