People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
You Might Also Like
just because your parents planned you doesn鈥檛 mean you weren鈥檛 a mistake
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I鈥檓 okay with that.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Good morning
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 馃槀
Meanwhile in Canada…
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Husband鈥檚 at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That鈥檚 enough excitement for one night.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I鈥檒l tell you when you鈥檙e older.
Kid: What鈥檚 your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…