People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
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How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.