People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
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does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday