People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
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the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Comparing yourself to others