observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
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Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.