People who say a child’s laughter is the best sound in the world have clearly never heard my dog eat a crouton.

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My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.


Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.


When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.


[crowded elevator]

Alright I’m a little concerned about the capacity so let’s all go around and say how much we weigh *gets out calculator*


[blind date]

Her: I’m a Capricorn, which probably tells you way too much about m..

Me: *covers ears with bread rolls*


Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?


Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?



George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.



doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good


coworker accidentally sent an email to me about wine but didn’t include the link he was talking about and then emailed his gf the next day to complain about me and forgot to put the link in that email as well