People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
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My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.