People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
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I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.