Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
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I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
when mom throws a party…
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.