50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
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The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’