People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
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Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?