People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

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I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.


I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”


the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew


If you accept small grammatical errors, decent society collapses and then everyone starts marrying dogs. That’s what happened to Australia.


teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”


[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*



SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog


My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.