@Philosopherbing

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

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@3sunzzz

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

@WornOutMommy

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

@minkpinkustink

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

@markleggett

If you accept small grammatical errors, decent society collapses and then everyone starts marrying dogs. That’s what happened to Australia.

@EJGomez

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

@UnFitz

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

@TheToddWilliams

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

@KevinSussman

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.