People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
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“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.