People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

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Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework


Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.


Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.


A restraining order but it’s just me sending these watery noodles back to the kitchen.


I wonder why the ingredients on a snickers wrapper says “May contain almonds.” What, is the guy who drops in the almonds a slacker?


Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh


My son and I both have creepy teenage mustaches. Only one of us is excited about it though.


College guy: How do you like it?

Me: Salty…of course

*slaps down $20

CG: We’ll take two pretzels with salt

~Get outta the gutter pervs


If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.


Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.