People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
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Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?