People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
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MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
absolute chaos
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back