People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
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Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
When libraries troll their patrons.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
In case you needed to hear it:
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess