People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
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I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.