People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
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Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Hey I worked for it too!
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
dude it’s called proctologist
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time