People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.