[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
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pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need