
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
*wakes up early*
*goes for morning jog*
*calls wife to pick him up because he’s made a terrible mistake*
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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