@LoveNLunchmeat

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.

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@spazrunsny

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

@ieatanddrink

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

@CEHudspeth

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

@LeBearGirdle

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

@david8hughes

Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not

@lolajxx

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

@wakeelee

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

@pizzasauceboss

*wakes up early*

*goes for morning jog*

*calls wife to pick him up because he’s made a terrible mistake*

@karlainvt

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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