@LoveNLunchmeat

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.

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@Cali_Kid_Mike

“You clean up nicely”, is just a polite way of saying, “You usually look like shit.”

@squirrel74wkgn

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

@withanewname

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

@pro_worrier_

Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet

@causticbob

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

@TheAlexP

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

@KylePlantEmoji

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this