People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
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Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Going to church you guys need anything
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.