Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
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Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
want me to check your oil?
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
twitter users today:
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.