People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
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Digital security in Ancient Troy
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.