People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
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Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
You’ll be OK
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.