People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
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me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
me doing my best
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints