“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
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My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.