I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
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Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me