People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
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Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Good boy 😂😂
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.