People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
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Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.