To do list:nn1) Kill the fly in my room. nn2) Try to snort multivitamins.nn3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.nn4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
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You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
*double-checks the constitution to see if we really have to have a president*
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
me: someone we know is possessed by an owl
me: [narrows eyes]
*knock knock* whos there? sir theres been an accident. theres been an accident who?
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.