People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
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A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.