The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
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[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.