People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

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To do list:nn1) Kill the fly in my room. nn2) Try to snort multivitamins.nn3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.nn4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.


*double-checks the constitution to see if we really have to have a president*


Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.


me: someone we know is possessed by an owl

friend: who?

me: [narrows eyes]


*knock knock* whos there? sir theres been an accident. theres been an accident who?


I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.


Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”


Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.


“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.