@CaniacMONK

People who say they “Like to have fun”…

No shit?

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@daemonic3

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

@Burnam1

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

@Tmoney68

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

@LeonEarlgrey

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

@CelebrityChez

There’s no law that says you can’t make a tiny swimming pool in your belly button for a gummy bear pool party.

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁

@Contwixt

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

@ms_woodsy

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.