Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
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If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.