@tsm560

People who say they’ll be late for their own funeral*

*trust me. you’ll make it.

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@TheTweetOfGod

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

@jus4golf

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

@AngelaEhh

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

@Macar00ny

*shoots self in foot*

“Damn i like the metaphor better”

@poutycorpse

create password…

OVERRATEDLIAMNEESONMOVIE

This password is taken

REALLYOVERATEDLIAMNEESONMOVIE

This password is taken too

@DanMentos

[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that

@urmumsausername

Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!

Them: What is it?

Me: I literally. Just. Said.

@better_off_dad

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.