People who say they’ll be late for their own funeral*

*trust me. you’ll make it.

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When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.


I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?


You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??


*shoots self in foot*

“Damn i like the metaphor better”


create password…


This password is taken


This password is taken too


[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that


Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!

Them: What is it?

Me: I literally. Just. Said.


New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone: