When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
People who say they’ll be late for their own funeral*
*trust me. you’ll make it.
You Might Also Like
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
*shoots self in foot*
“Damn i like the metaphor better”
This password is taken
This password is taken too
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75
Never talking to anyone:
please enjoy this masterpiece I spent way too long creating