People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
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Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Something Saturday.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
He-man has a Masters degree
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.