People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
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“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
That’s it.I’m out.
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
My Plans 2020
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…