@impaulmccoy

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

You Might Also Like

@ShortSleeveSuit

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

@Z_Mendenhall

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

@jwoodham

FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that’s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.

@jared_ish

I am not “aware” of any “laws” that “forbid” the use of excessive “air quotes” officer “Barnes.”

@tsm560

Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.

@SirEviscerate

Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.

@MsBross

Apparently, you can only say “look at you! You got so big!” to children. Adults tend to get offended.

@rachelle_mandik

there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies

@joshualandy

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*