@mostlysharks
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
@impaulmccoy
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
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@mostlysharks
@KeetPotato
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
@ShootyDoody
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
@FatherWithTwins
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
@truegritrumble
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
@Nikkeya08
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
@Jenny4ashley
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
@DadZZZasleep
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
@DirtMcTurd
“Its not you. Its me.”
~ twins going through a photo album
@omgthatspunny
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.