People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

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Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated


Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.


FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that’s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.


I am not “aware” of any “laws” that “forbid” the use of excessive “air quotes” officer “Barnes.”


Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.


Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.


Apparently, you can only say “look at you! You got so big!” to children. Adults tend to get offended.


there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies


[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?


INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*