People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
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Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.