People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

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“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles


snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood


First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)


Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel


WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*


Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.


Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy

Me: umm

CEO: call it crunchy

Me: oh ok then we charge less

CEO: hahaha no


“Its not you. Its me.”
~ twins going through a photo album