announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
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Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too