People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
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Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
My god she’s good.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then