People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
You Might Also Like
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.