ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
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This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
How dramatic are you?
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.