People who take things literally on twitter, stop.

Wait. First take this tweet literally, then stop.

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My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.

Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.


“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”

Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.


Will you date me? breathe if yes, swim across the atlantic ocean while reciting the bible in japanese if no


If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.


Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.


[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*


POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”


*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*


My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?


I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels…boy was I wrong