People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

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exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break


(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany


Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.


me: while tests are supposed to measure aptitude what they actually measure is how good you are at taking tests

cop: that doesn’t apply to breathalyzers


Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife


I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too


I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.


I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?


this may be controversial to some of you, but ratatouille would demolish stuart little in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close