People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

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My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”


Relationship status: using the middle stall so someone has to sit next to me.


I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.


4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.


~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE


Women Studies? im pretty good at studying women *leans against bookshelf knocking it over. Creates a domino effect that destroys t/ library*


As a child whenever I asked my parents to close the closet at night they always said. “Why? Anything that could kill you can open that door”


Trump: Can I get past
Biden: What’s the password
Trump: I don’t know
Biden: Losers says what
Trump: What
Obama: JOE


Kids are back to school & all I do is worry about their guinea pig. Is she lonely? Bored? Silly? I should probably hold her.

I need a life.