People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
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Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.