My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
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[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?