@Quartzjixler

People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.

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@gwatts77

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

@KyleMcDowell86

Im sorry I yelled “GARY LIKED STAR WARS EPISODE ONE” when the pastor asked if anyone knew of a reason why you and Gary shouldn’t be married

@jahmauer

[getting a haircut]
“just make sure the Airpods are visible”

@FredTaming

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

@DaddyJew

Cop: you have an outstanding warrant

Me: why thank you

@SteveSuckington

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

@ericbove

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

@MrEd_EVH

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

@bornmiserable

THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening