People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
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Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Im sorry I yelled “GARY LIKED STAR WARS EPISODE ONE” when the pastor asked if anyone knew of a reason why you and Gary shouldn’t be married
[getting a haircut]
“just make sure the Airpods are visible”
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Cop: you have an outstanding warrant
Me: why thank you
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening