@lmwortho

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

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@Parentpains

Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

@tastefactory

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

@Amusitr0n

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

@dshack8

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

@roxiqt

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

@lawyerthoughts

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

@timdonakowski

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

@evanR39

If one door closes and another door opens, then probably your in a jail.

@envydatropic

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created