People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

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Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.


Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.


[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo


Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)



The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.


• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over


defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!


When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.


If one door closes and another door opens, then probably your in a jail.


Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created