People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
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A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
and now we wait
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Is this a threat?
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding