People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
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Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
ugh not again
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket